Key Takeaways
- Friendship is a wonderful thing, but the idea of friendship has been corrupted.
- Because of societal pressure to make friends, people get into what I call counterfeit friendships – friendships that seem real on the surface but are actually fake and hollow.
- Counterfeit friendships bring a lot of unnecessary pain and problems into your life.
- The key to attracting real friendships is to learn to be happy alone, being the friend you’d like to have, and by genuinely being interested in the friendship.
Mark Twain once said “Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”
One topic of our time that’s worth pausing and reflecting on is the topic of friendship.
Don’t get me wrong. I am by no means against the idea of having friends. In fact, friendship is one of the ingredients of a rich and beautiful life.
I wholeheartedly agree with C.S. Lewis who said “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”
I’ve had wonderful close friends throughout my life. And some of my best memories were fun times I’ve had with these chums.
So I’m not against friendships. I’m against how modern society has corrupted the idea of friendships.
The Bible says “the truth shall set you free.” The goal of this post is to help you free yourself from the idea that you NEED friends to be happy and there is something wrong with you if you don’t have friends.
This half-baked notion has been a burden on many in our society who are forced into friendships that they don’t want to be in; friendships that are shallow, superficial, and can even be quite toxic.
Counterfeit Friendships
Many friendships nowadays are what I call counterfeit friendships: they seem real on the surface, but you’ll quickly realize they’re not the real thing once you observe them closely.
In reality, true friendships are quite rare. They’re hard to form and harder to sustain. It takes discipline, character, courage, and deep inner security to create a genuine friendship.
That’s why most people settle for counterfeit friendships. We settle for drinking out of the toilet. This is especially true for adolescents and women.
Why People Form Counterfeit Friendships
Here are few of the reasons why people settle for phony friendships.
1. Fear of judgement
There is a religious notion out there that tells you you need to have friends. And you get shamed for not having friends. You face the same stigma that “old maids” used to face in past centuries.
Have you ever seen a group of “friends” hanging out at a certain place while anxiously scrolling their phones? There’s no interaction between them except at a superficial level.
They just want to maintain a semblance of friendship to the outside world. They’re scared of what others might think if they’re perceived as “friendless”. Their reason for being friends is fear of judgement.
In effect, friendship has been turned into a status symbol instead of one of the ways of creating genuine connection with another person.
You want to make friends for the same reason you want to lose your virginity or have a girlfriend by a certain age, or post pictures of your travels on your Instagram. You’re trying to fulfill society’s expectations and gain its acceptance.
2. Protection from bullies
People’s insecurities rise to the surface when they’re in a social setting such as work or school, and they get into survival mode.
When people feel insecure, they get hostile. And they usually direct their hostility towards those who are vulnerable. And being a loner leaves you vulnerable to the insecure bullies around you. It’s like how you get targeted by sexual predators in prison if you aren’t part of a gang.
Insecure bullies at school and work have been known to taunt and harass others endlessly whenever their insecurities are triggered. You also become their punching bag for when they get frustrated.
To avoid being victimized by bullies, you end up being friends with people you don’t really like, and in some cases, can’t even stand. But the pain of being around these people isn’t as great as the pain of being constantly harassed by bullies in the jungle-like environment you’re in.
3. Shared Hatred
Another reason why people form counterfeit friendships is when they have an outside enemy. Their shared hate becomes the reason for their bonding. And this shared hatred is often rooted in envy.
In the words of American philosopher Eric Hoffer, “Hatred is the most accessible and comprehensive of all the unifying agents.” Nothing instills the feeling of brotherly love than a common enemy.
And when that enemy is no longer around, these “friends” end up turning their spears against each other. You see this not just among individuals, but among groups and even among nations.
The Ugly Results of Counterfeit Friendships
1. Unnecessary Pain
Counterfeit friendships bring a lot of unnecessary pain into your life. They are filled with disrespect, envy, gaslighting, weaponizing insecurities, betrayals, and many other problems. You don’t need any of that.
They say a bad marriage is a thousand times worse than staying single for the rest of your life. I say a bad friendship is a thousand times worse than being alone.
2. Easily Fragile
Because counterfeit friendships are built on sand – the need for social approval – they can’t survive the problems and conflicts that life inevitably brings.
Friends dump each other at the slightest inconvenience. Your “friends” aren’t there for you when you need them.
3. No Real Interest in the Friendship
If it wasn’t for societal pressure, fear of bullies, or shared hatred, you and the other person wouldn’t be friends.
That’s why many counterfeit friends don’t stay in touch when outside of work or school. That’s what no real interest in the friendship gets you.
When I was in high school, I would often hear my classmates complaining about how their “friends” ignored them outside of school or didn’t call or text them during the summer.
4. The Love and Connection is Very Conditional
The love you get from a true friendship is unconditional. “A friend loves at all times,” as it says in proverbs. (Prov 17:17)
A true friend won’t stop being your friend if you become unpopular, or even become a pariah. Walter Winchell observed, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” They don’t abandon you in your darkest hour.
5. Weaponizing the Friendship
If you do anything that threatens their ego or makes them feel insecure, they dump you as a friend and can even turn into your enemy.
This is true even if you guys have been friends for years! Friendship has become something people weaponize against you.
But you’re bound to threaten your friend’s ego as you grow and evolve as a person. So in effect, these “friendships” are holding you back from being your best self when they should help you be your best self.
The Bible summarizes this point accurately — “There are “friends” who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.” (Prov 18:24)
6. Violating Your Conscience Out of Peer Pressure
Because many fake friendships are formed on the basis of shared hatred, you’ll end up acting in ways that go against your morals in order to hurt a common enemy.
You can also be pressured into hating someone who you’d otherwise get along with, just because your “friends” hate that person. You’ll be in a situation where you either join the mob in attacking someone or lose friendships. That’s another way counterfeit friends weaponize the friendship against you.
7. Missing Out on Actual True Friendships
The sad irony is that while you’re so busy maintaining the mirage of having friends, you don’t get to experience the beauty of true friendships, the kind of friendships that C.S. Lewis talked about above.
Almost all of my real friends in the past were either unpopular or were the kinds of people that you would overlook while you’re focused on showing others that you have friends. They weren’t the people you would befriend if your priority is maintaining the mirage of friendships.
But these people were the best friends I’ve ever had, and I’m eternally grateful for them for showing me how amazing and fun friendships can be.
How to Create Real Friendships
So how can you create an authentic friendship that get stronger with time in an era of so many fake friendships? Let me suggest 3 simple solutions.
1. Learn to Be Happy Alone
They say you can’t be happy married if you’re not happy single. The same also holds true for friendships. If you can’t be happy alone, chances are you won’t be happy once you have friends.
Happiness is a choice, it doesn’t depend on outside conditions. You can be happy whether someone is in your life or not.
If you’re happy alone, then you won’t be clingy and needy on your friends. It is so exhausting when someone depends on you for their happiness.
Autonomy is an attractive trait in all human relationships, not just friendships.
2. Be The Friend You’d Like to Have
Real friendship, just like real relationship of any kind, is not something you pursue. It’s something you attract.
You attract it by working on yourself and becoming the type of friend that you’d like to have. As Ralph Waldo Emerson put it, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
What kind of friend do you want? Are they givers? Are they happy for you when you succeed or do they get resentful? Are they respectful? Can you trust them? Are they there by your side when things look hopeless for you?
The way you attract the type of friend you want is by being that friend.
A true friend is in essence a giver. A taker is focused on having friends while giver focuses on BEING a friend. Takers are the type of people I discussed earlier who are so busy maintaining the false mirage of friendships to the public without actually caring about the friendship.
Givers on the other hand, couldn’t care less what others think of them. They are validated from the inside. And they give without any expectations. Givers are able to love their enemies.
3. Actually be interested in the friendship
Don’t get into friendships you wouldn’t be interested in if it wasn’t for societal pressure. Remember, you’re not trying to fulfill some superficial requirement imposed on you by society. You’re trying to create something real.
As you do these two things, you’ll begin attracting the right people into your life. And you’ll experience what real, trust-based friendship looks like, and how amazing it is. That’s how we bring back real friendships.
