Have you ever been around a person who disliked you for no apparent reason?
And this person goes out of their way to be nasty to you and wants to hurt you at every opportunity. This person can be petty and faultfinding.
They pretend to be your friend when everything is going well. But when life throws its curveballs at you, this person is the first one to turn against you. And not only that, they try their hardest to turn others against you as well.
This person knows deep down that their hatred of you is irrational and doesn’t have a legitimate basis. So they compensate for this lack of conviction through numbers — they find others who have the same insecurities and form a bubble. They try to get everyone to buy into their irrational hatred of you.
They turn others against you through gossiping, spreading lies, scapegoating, and using every available means to paint you as the villain.
Another way they compensate for their irrational hatred by gaslighting you (making you think you’re the bad guy). We often say to others, “it’s not you, it’s me”. But in their case, it’s you and never them.
In short, this person does everything they can to hurt you. They take pleasure in seeing you suffer (schadenfreude). It seems as if hating you fills a spiritual void for them.
Any attempt to pacify them by befriending them or being good to them is seen as a vulnerability. It further encourages them in their hostility towards you.
Every now and then they come to their senses and become apologetic and friendly. But it’s just a matter of time before they go back to their old ways of attacking you obsessively.
What explains this behavior? From studying my own experiences and that of others, I can confidently assure you that it’s envy.
Envy is the worst of human motivations. History has shown us how envy brings out the absolute worst in humanity more so than any other vice. It’s the deadliest of the seven Deadly Sins.
All the great thinkers throughout the ages, from Aristotle and Plato in the west to Confucius and Buddha in the east, have taught us about the destructiveness of human envy. Socrates called it “the Ulcer of the Soul.”
The bible says “Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before envy?” (proverbs 27:4)
Envy has been known to turn normally decent people into ruthless monsters. It’s the root cause behind many of the injustices and monstrosities you’ve learned about in your history class. This vile motive has led to mob violence, vilification of groups, discrimination and segregation, and even genocides all around the world.
The term for envious people nowadays is haters.
So how do you deal with envious people? How do you deal with those individuals who hate you for no apparent reason and want to see you suffer?
How to NOT Deal with Haters
When most people deal with haters, They do one of three things. These three are the paths of least resistance for dealing with envious people.
Retaliating: going for “an eye for an eye”.
Appeasing: Dumbing themselves down to not trigger others’ insecurities.
Leaving: Removing themselves from the environment where they’re experiencing envious hostility.
Retaliating
This is the default response for most people. They reciprocate the behavior they’ve received from the haters.
But one problem with this instinctual approach is that haters will only attack you openly when they’re reasonably confident that they can handle your retaliation. They don’t openly attack you unless their cronies are around, or they’re around other people who share their envy. Otherwise they’ll pretend to be your friend till you’re in a vulnerable situation, and then pounce on you like a lion.
This is similar to how a gang member acts. As Thomas Sowell pointed out in his book Applied Economics, “An individual who belongs to a tough gang may become more belligerent towards other individuals he encounters than he would be without the protection afforded by the gang’s reputation.”
One thing to point out here is that people who are openly hostile to you are usually those at the top of the social hierarchy within an ecosystem: whether it’s at school, in the workplace, at church, etcetera.
Such people tend to be the worst kind of bullies because they can get away with their bad actions. Their status and influence within that ecosystem shields them from the consequences of their actions. And they often weaponize their influence against whoever threatens their egos.
Think of Regina George in Mean Girls, warden Norton in Shawshank Redemption, or Nurse Ratched in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest.
When you retaliate against an envious hater, their cronies (or other people who share their envy) are ready to jump in and gang up on you. That puts you in a vulnerable spot.
In fact, they’ll use your retaliation as an excuse for their subsequent attacks. It’ll be used as a reason for vilifying you. They’ll sidestep the fact that you’re provoked into this situation and make it seem like you started it.
So retaliation is not a good option.
Appeasing
When retaliation doesn’t work, you may resort to dumbing yourself down. You hide your light under a bushel.
You do this in hopes of placating the envy of others and thereby not facing their bitter hostility – to protect yourself from the evil eye. You see people doing that everywhere.
You see good looking people trying to hide their beauty by gaining weight, regularly wearing face masks (even though COVID is now long over), wearing ugly glasses, and doing all kinds of things. It’s either that or experiencing the endless harassment of people who aren’t happy with their own looks. And there’s plenty of those around!
You see students with an apparent high IQ who don’t do well in school to avoid the bitter envy of their classmates.
You also see this in the workplace where people who are otherwise conscientious and productive don’t work to their full capacity in fear of envy from other coworkers.
In short, it’s common for people to dumb themselves down to get the approval of others.
It says in The Bible that “Some who are poor pretend to be rich; others who are rich pretend to be poor” (Proverbs 13:7). Why do the latter pretend to be poor? One explanation would be fear of envy.
But dumbing yourself down is not worth it in the long run, even if it brings you short-term convenience.
The stories of people who’ve regretted putting their light under a bushel is endless; whether it’s their good-looks, mental capacity, a particular talent, and other gifts they failed to make the most out of.
“No one lights a lamp and then puts it under a basket. Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. (Matthew 5:15). Don’t put your lamp under a basket. Let it shine before others!
Of course that involves sacrificing your comfort and convenience. “What is to give light must endure the burning,” as Viktor Frankel said.
But it’s worth it. “Pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient,” as Jordan Peterson asserted in his classic ‘12 Rules for Life”. That’s better than living with regret later on. Remember, discipline weighs ounces. Courage weighs ounces. Regret weighs tons.
And letting your light shine is a great way of exposing who’s a true friend and who isn’t. The right people will love you for the real you. And they encourage you to be the best version of yourself. They don’t let envy get in the way of that. Not only will they accept your unique gifts and talents, they’ll celebrate because of them.
Dumbing yourself down to fit in is never worth it.
Leaving
This is the last option people resort to when retaliating and appeasing don’t work. They leave the environment where they’re facing hostility. They quit their job, they switch schools, they move to a different town, and so on.
There are times when that’s the best option. For example, if you’re working at a job where you’re completely vulnerable to abuse by your envious coworkers or your boss, then it’s best to leave that job. Making a living shouldn’t come at the expense of your mental health and peace. You shouldn’t put yourself at the mercy of those who envy you.
Even if you’re not the one getting abused, you don’t want to work in such an environment anyways. If they do it to someone else, they’ll do it to you eventually. You don’t want to end up like people in the Soviet Union who thought they wouldn’t be taken away by the NKVD even as they see their neighbors disappearing one by one.
But leaving the environment should be your very last option because the same situation can happen at the next place. It can keep on happening for the rest of your life. Growing bigger than your problems is better than running away from them.
In the case of leaving your job, what if you experience the same hostility at the next job? If you keep on quitting, not only will this look bad on your resume, but you’ll fail to grow through the situation, which is why life’s experiences unfold before you – they’re here to help you evolve spiritually. That includes the haters in your life.
There are far better ways for dealing with haters.
The Effective Way of Dealing with Haters
Here are 4 timeless approaches for dealing with an envious person or a hater. If you do these four things, the haters around you will become your assets instead of burdens.
Don’t Take It Personally
The first step of dealing with envious people is to not take it personally. Their toxic behavior is just their attempt manage their ego.
They hate you because you’re like a mirror that reflects back to them something they don’t like about themselves; something that’s relevant to them – whether it’s good looks, intelligence, talent for something, or something else.
They don’t want you in their proximity because you trigger their insecurities. Their insecurities stem from the ego. And all their hostile behavior is a desperate act to appease their egos; whether that’s by diminishing you or removing you from their surroundings. When someone’s ego gets disturbed, they’re like a drowning person who’s willing to do anything to stay afloat.
This person may be very nice and considerate when their ego isn’t threatened. But when it is, you do not want to be there.
So this is between them and their ego. It has nothing to do with you. You happened to be the person whose qualities and characteristics triggered their insecurities. If another person had the same qualities, they would target that person.
People have been known to do anything to soothe their wounded ego, including things that go against their conscience. Genocides have been committed for ego appeasement.
I understand it may not seem that way. In fact, the person will want you to believe the problem is you because admitting the truth would be humiliating for them. They’ll never admit that envy is their real motivation.
People hate you when they hate themselves. And they hate you because you remind them of why they hate themselves. Their hostile behavior towards you is really a reflection of their self-loathing.
Eric Hoffer wrote, “The remarkable thing is that we really love our neighbor as ourselves: we do unto others as we do unto ourselves. We hate others when we hate ourselves. We are tolerant toward others when we tolerate ourselves. We forgive others when we forgive ourselves. We are prone to sacrifice others when we are ready to sacrifice ourselves.”
That’s why the very same people who are persecuting you for no apparent reason are also imitative of you. You see them copying your body language, your mannerisms, the way you dress, the way you talk, and all your idiosyncrasies. They’re trying to escape themselves through imitation.
Ignore Them
This quote by 16th century poet George Herbert perfectly encapsulates how you should deal with haters: “living well is the best revenge.”
The worst thing you can do to haters is to ignore them.
Devote your entire focus and energy to living purposefully, which in my book is growing and giving. Brighten and shine your light.
When you’re focused on that, you have no energy left for haters.
You can only give attention to one thing. It says in the bible, “No one can serve two masters”. Will you serve your purpose or haters?
Because keep in mind, haters prefer to have your attention even when it’s negative attention, even when you’re retaliating.
In fact, by giving them attention, you’ll fall right into the trap they set for you. They want you to be angry at their treatment and to react. Because they have full control of their attention. They’re your master. And when you react, you’re not living, you’re being lived upon.
You can only live when you devote your energy and attention to growing and giving. Keep magnifying and shining your light.
By focusing on that, you’ll do the very thing that triggered their ego in the first place – the thing they really don’t want you to do – as opposed to reacting, which they want you to do.
Nothing annoys haters than seeing you evolve and become a better version of yourself.
As Frank Sinatra said, “The best revenge is massive success”.
By depriving haters of the attention they crave and focusing on your purpose, you’ll bring haters to their knees.
All of the sudden, they start acting like your friends.
Remember, nothing annoys haters than being ignored.
If situations demand that you interact with a hater, then use as little energy as possible in your interaction. And once you’re no longer required to interact with them, go back to attention deprivation mode.
See Having Haters is An Accomplishment
Got haters? Congratulations! That means you’re succeeding. You’ve become the envy of others.
Society tells you should aspire to be liked by everyone. But like much of what society preaches, this is misguiding. Your focus should be on loving others and serving them, not trying to get them to like you.
Whether others like you or not is their business. What others think of you says everything about them and nothing about you.
Besides, the people who are “liked by everyone” are those individuals who do nothing with their lives, who’ve settled for a life of mediocrity.
In the words of American writer Elbert Hubbard, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing” – in other words, be dead – or exist without living.
Perhaps that’s why people’s reputation tends to improve once they die, even if they’ve faced non-stop criticism while they were alive. They’re no longer here to threaten anyone’s ego.
Know that if you’re going to be successful, you’re going to be hated. Here’s Hailu’s Law of success (Hailu is my last name) — The number of haters you have is in direct proportion to your level of success. This may not be an exact science, but it’s generally true.
Hitler, for all his flaws and his crimes against humanity, made a remarkable observation. He said “It is of utmost importance that the national socialist should seek and deserve the violent hatred of his enemies. Such hatred would be proof of the superiority of the National Socialist faith. “The best yardstick for the value of his [the National Socialist’s] attitude, for the sincerity of his conviction, and the force of his will is the hostility he receives from the enemy.”
Anyone of noticeable success will have their fair share of critics and detractors. You would struggle to find someone who’s at the top of their game and who doesn’t have any haters.
Hate always comes from the bottom. People don’t generally envy those who they feel are beneath them. As David Goggins said, “You’ll never meet a hater who’s doing better than you”. The bum laying on the sidewalk is not attracting anyone’s envy.
A few years ago, there was a movement to occupy Wall Street. But no one tried to occupy Skid Row!
Sometimes, the envier may be of a higher position, whether at work or elsewhere. But they likely envy you for other things, things that you have and that they lack. The story of Saul and David in The Bible illustrates this.
See having haters as your badge of honor. New haters represent new milestones. They’re like medals on your chest.
Use Haters to Grow Spiritually
Nietzsche wrote in Twilight of the Idols “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.”
Haters can be used to make you stronger spiritually and to build your character, just like everything else in life.
Life is a game of acceptance. What you resist persists and dominates your life. And what you accept, you move beyond.
If you resist the idea that someone out there doesn’t like you, that will absorb your attention and can potentially dominate your life. You will be controlled by the hater. They can easily sway you just by hating on you.
But if you’re fine with the fact that somebody or some people don’t like you, then it will have less and less effect on you overtime. Your happiness won’t depend on other people liking you. Your attention gets freed up. People who used to easily get your attention by being hostile to you will now lose that manipulating power. You won’t have to devote your life worrying about other people’s opinions and trying to prove them wrong.
Acceptance helps you grow spiritually and to conquer more of your fears.
When you’re around people who don’t like you for whatever reason, see it as an opportunity to build character and to expand your freedom.
Acceptance doesn’t mean leaving yourself vulnerable to their abuse. You’ll should be “as shrewd as snakes” and not leave yourself vulnerable to abuse. But that comes after accepting the situation.
Haters are part of life. By embracing them, you embrace more of life. That’s the entire process of spiritual growth.
So learn to be comfortable with having haters. Expand your comfort zone to a point where you’re comfortable with having haters more numerous than the hair on your head, like King David in the Bible (Psalm 69:4).
What about the feelings of sadness and fear you experience when you’re aware that you have haters?
Again, acceptance is the answer. You accept the painful feelings just like you accept the external situation with haters. Relax through the feelings of sadness, dejection, and hurt. Don’t suppress them or fight against them, just let them pass through you.
You’re independent of your feelings, just like you’re independent of your thoughts. The thoughts and feelings will have their time before you, and then they’ll pass. Just relax through them as they do.
“For everything there is a season” it says in The Bible (Ecclesiastes 3:1). If you’re experiencing them, that means their season has come. Let them run their course and then vanish into eternity.
To learn more on this, I highly recommend reading ‘The Untethered Soul’ by Michael Singer. It is the ultimate guide for your spiritual growth in my opinion.
In conclusion, it’s OK to have haters. The root of their hatred is often envy and self-hatred. You shouldn’t take it personally because they’re just dealing with their egos. In fact, see their hate as a badge of honor because it’s a sign of true success. It’s a reminder that you’re becoming the best version of yourself.
Don’t retaliate and thereby let the haters detract you from your purpose. Instead torture them with your light. And use that circumstance to evolve spiritually.
