Most guys are average-looking. They’re neither handsome nor ugly. And trying to get noticed by girls as an average-looking guy can be quite a challenge. It can even be unfair and frustrating.
The Pareto distribution rule applies to dating as it does in every other area. 20% of handsome guys attract 80% of the women. The rest of us have to go the extra mile to get women to be interested in us.
Women don’t have this problem. The most average-looking chick can easily get the attention of most guys, especially in an environment where there are fewer females than males.
So you’re at a disadvantage as a guy.
But as you’ll find out in this post, it’s possible to stand out despite your lack of good looks. And it’s worth it because it helps you grow in the process. And life is all about growing and giving.
So how do you stand out in the mating game? Here are 5 suggestions that can help you achieve this outcome. They say that 80% of outcomes result from 20% of causes. These five things are the 20% of things that get you big results.
1. Become Trustworthy
Character is the most attractive trait you can have. It’s the best thing you can do to raise your value in the dating market. Character is the #1 thing women look for in men. It’s what they pray for and fantasize about.
Nothing impresses women more than a man of character. If a girl perceives you as a person of integrity, you’ll bring out the absolute best in her. You’ll get the rockstar treatment.
Good-looking guys are a dime a dozen compared to good-natured guys. And unlike good looks, a good character doesn’t fade away with time. In fact, it gets stronger.
The Bible tells women that their beauty should not come from outward adornment. “Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” In other words, they should give more attention to their inner beauty than their outer beauty. The same principle applies to you as a man.
What people often mean by “personality” is actually character. Someone can be charming, funny, and charismatic (personality traits) and can still be self-centered, immature, and dishonest. “Charm is deceptive…” as it says in the book Proverbs (Prov 31:30).).
It’s a dream of many women to meet a guy who they can trust completely, who they can be their authentic selves with.
Think of trustworthiness as walking on a bridge. The more firm and steady a bridge is and the stronger its foundation, the safer you feel walking across it. You don’t have to walk on a shaky bridge that looks like it’s about to fall down at any moment. Your character is that bridge that enables women to safely connect with you on a heart-to-heart level. Be sure to work on your character so women feel safe connecting and being vulnerable with you.
Work on being more humble, more patient and forgiving, more honest, more courageous, and more unconditionally loving. Use life’s events to develop these attributes. Be the change you would like to see in the world.
2. Expand Your Intelligence
Use every available means to develop your mind. Be it reading books, working harder in school, learning an instrument or a language, or any other thing that helps you develop mentally.
Hone your talents. Your talent is the ultimate display of your intelligence. Being good at something, especially if you have the talent for it, will make you far more attractive in the eyes of women.
People are attractive when they’re engaged in an activity they’re good at. Napoleon Dynamite is kinda right in saying “Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.”
Have you ever seen a girl doing something she’s gifted at? Maybe she was singing, performing gymnastics, exercising, solving a Physics problem, or communicating articulately.
Don’t you find that woman irresistible even if she’s not well-endowed in the looks department? In fact, your brain will make her seem more attractive than she actually is. Her talent enamors you.
And it’s not just your talents you can work on to raise your attractiveness level. You can get good at other skills, whether these skills are profession-related or hobbies. Having a growth mindset will take you a long way in this effort.
Read books daily, even if it’s for 5 minutes. As Jim Rohn said, “Miss a meal if you have to but don’t miss a book.” Start by reading something that’s not a challenging read and that also interests you. From there, you’ll naturally move up to reading more challenging works, such as Shakespeare and Dostoyevsky.
If you’re in formal school right now, use that mainly for your intellectual development and not just to chase good grades. Grades won’t matter in 5 years. What matters is the interesting stuff you’ve learned – like fascinating stories about Theodore Roosevelt from your 11th-grade history class.
3. Improve Your Health, Fitness, and Aesthetics
Just like intelligence, being fit is sexy. Prioritizing your health and fitness alone will take you a long way in your attractiveness to women. You can go from a 5 to a 7 or even an 8 just by getting in shape.
To optimize this area, do the basics like eating healthy, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
As for diet, focus on adding healthy food instead of removing unhealthy food.
As for exercise, I recommend working out at home since it involves less friction than going to the gym – both physical and mental.
You don’t have to pack your stuff, get in the car, deal with rush hour traffic, park your car at the gym lot, change in the locker room (quite an uncomfortable experience), wait for a machine to be available, and go through ten other steps. When you work out at home, you just change clothes and start exercising. It removes all the cognitive load that often causes you to procrastinate. Plus, you’ll save money!
I have a dumbbell set at home I bought from Amazon. And I lift 3 times a week. I also walk for at least 10 minutes each day – usually in the morning.
And for God’s sake, get adequate sleep. This is an area we tend to neglect the most, especially in our younger years. It’s the most challenging part of health for me personally.
As for appearance, here are some low-hanging fruits to get you started:
Have a skincare routine. It can be as simple as cleansing and moisturizing daily as well as exfoliating once or twice a week. That’s the skin routine I follow.
Use eye repair cream if you have bags or dark circles around your eyes.
Get a decent haircut.
Dress better.
Whiten your teeth with whitening strips.
The list is endless. And you can move to more advanced steps over time, like having your teeth straightened.
4. Bring Out Your Masculine Energy
We all have a masculine and a feminine side. But one side tends to be dominant. Men tend to be more masculine while women are by and large feminine. Of course, there are vast exceptions to this rule.
Masculine energy is often associated with Strength, assertiveness, logic, independence, structure, and action. The masculine energy wants to achieve, to overcome challenges, and to be significant. That’s why men are often the top executives and decision-makers in almost all industries, including industries that cater primarily to women, such as fashion.
The feminine energy values relationships. It is often associated with nurturing, receptivity, empathy, collaboration, and receiving.
The feminine core of women is why they care about their friendships more than men do. That’s also why women predominate in service-related jobs. When you think of a flight attendant, a nurse, a wedding planner, or a customer service agent, do you think of a man or a woman? You likely think of a woman. And if you do think of a man, it’s likely a gay dude.
So what’s the implication of this? If you want to significantly increase your value in the dating market as a man, connect to your masculine nature. That is of course if masculinity is your true essence. If you’re a feminine man, then enhance your femininity. And you can attract a masculine woman that’s more compatible with you.
A masculine man is attractive to women because masculine and feminine energies create polarity. And that’s what ignites the passion in a relationship. Opposites attract, as the saying goes. And the masculine and feminine energies are on opposite ends.
You don’t just want her to just love you and trust you, you want her to be crazy about you. But you can’t do that if the polarity isn’t there.
So how do you connect to your masculine nature? Exercising and playing sports is one way of doing that. Working on your goals, taking on responsibility, and taking risks are a few of the many ways that help you enhance your masculine energy.
5. Date Within Your League
This last suggestion may be a bitter pill to swallow.
If you haven’t figured it out by now, life is unfair. Some people are more intelligent than you, some come from a more affluent background, and some are better looking than you.
And the unfair advantage they have open doors for them, doors that shut you out.
Whether you like it or not, there are leagues in dating. We all want to date the Margot Robbies and Ana De Armas of the world. But that option is available for only a few guys.
It’s like how someone ends up going to Harvard or Yale because of their high IQ, whereas you and I end up going to state schools.
In the same way, the rest of us have to settle for a woman with a similar level of attractiveness as us. This may be unfair, but so is life. C’est la vie as the French say.
So what’s the best course of action you can take in this reality. So with this tragic reality in mind, what’s the best course of action you should take?
I say date someone within your league. Choose women that choose you. Don’t waste precious time and energy on women who are not interested.
If the mutual physical attraction isn’t there at first, it’s not going to come later.
If you insist on pursuing the girl who isn’t interested in you, you’re only make things worse for yourself. She’ll go from “no” to “HELL NO!” regarding dating you.
This idea of dating within one’s league has become unpopular in recent years with the rise of the equity and social justice dogma.
But it’s the reality. Whether you like it or not, people are most compatible with those in their league. And this isn’t just in terms of attractiveness, it’s also in terms of IQ, financial backgrounds, personality, and other factors.
You rarely see a rich girl dating a poor guy. Real life is not Titanic. And a man with a triple digit IQ don’t normally date women with IQ in the double digits.
Under normal circumstances, a guy that’s a 4 has little to no chance of attracting a chick that’s a 9. He has as much chance of dating a girl outside of his league as a 5’8” guy has of playing in the NBA. It’s a pipe dream. The best he can do is to attract women who are slightly above his league.
A girl who is as stunning as Margot Robbie wouldn’t be attracted to a guy that looks like John C. Riley; even if he’s intelligent, fit, charming, affluent, and has a heart of gold. Those things simply can’t compensate for a lack of physical attraction.
And unfortunately, there’s only so much you can do to dramatically enhance your appearance. I don’t care what makeover you go through or what cosmetic surgery you get, you simply can’t go from average to beautiful. Beauty is something nature gifts you with. You either have it or you don’t.
So if you’re an average-looking guy – which most guys are – then the best you can do is attract average-looking women, or perhaps women who are slightly above average. Like attracts like.
If you do get in a relationship with a woman who’s clearly outside of your league, if there is an obvious mismatch in attractiveness, then you’re going to be insecure and paranoid during the entirety of your relationship with her.
You’ll always feel inadequate for her. You’re going to feel insecure and anxious whenever the two of you are around guys that are actually in her league. You’ll be sleeping with one eye open! I’ve seen many guys in this situation.
I’m sure there are average-looking guys who are perfectly compatible with above-average-looking women. But those guys are the exceptions. Most average-looking guys are most compatible with women who have the same attractiveness level as them.
Even if a gorgeous girl does find you attractive because of your external quality (money or status) or internal quality (talent or charm), the halo effect of that will wear off over time and she’s going to be conscious of the mismatch in attractiveness. Her eyes will then start to wander and she’ll end up gravitating towards other guys that match her in terms of attractiveness.
As Benjamin Franklin said centuries ago, “Where there is marriage without love there will be love without marriage.” This is also true for a non-marital relationship. If the physical attraction isn’t there, nothing else can compensate for it.
So not only is it unrealistic to date a beautiful girl when you’re an average-looking guy, it’s also not worth it.
The implication here is to work on yourself first and then to choose the women who choose you.
The best option is to first work on yourself, and then look for the most attractive, high-value woman that’s within your league.
In not doing the things I listed above, you’re leaving money on the table. You’re like the man who went to the other side of the world searching for a treasure chest while there is a treasure chest buried in his own backyard.
You may still not get the girls that the Henry Cavills of the world get. As Bill Gates put it, “Life is not fair, deal with it.”
But at least you can attract the best-looking chick that you can potentially attract. It’s similar to how you can be as wealthy as you can possibly be, nut you can never reach Elon Musk level wealth. You’re competing with yourself from yesterday, not with others today.
Bonus: Be Happy with What You Have
Once you fulfill your potential in dating, the best thing you can do after that is to be content with the girl you end up attracting. “… may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (Proverbs 5:19)
One thing you’ll find out as you do this is that the people whose relationships you used to be jealous of will start being jealous of you once you start making the most out of your dating potential. You can make your relationship more enviable than the idealized relationships you see on social media.
Be happy with what you have instead of complaining about what someone else has. This includes your spouse, or your girlfriend. Count your own blessings instead of someone else’s.
Women are more willing to date an average-looking man who possesses the above qualities than a beautiful man who doesn’t put in the effort to improve himself. If you look like a model but you don’t take care of your health, don’t develop your mind and your talents, don’t evolve spiritually, and can’t create polarity, then your good look just doesn’t cut it.
And unlike good looks, the above qualities don’t fade. In fact, they get better with time like fine wine. Working on your spiritual growth will give you momentum to keep on evolving spiritually, and also to work on other areas such as your health and intelligence. What seems like a disadvantage (lack of aesthetic beauty) can end up being an advantage.
So as you can see, there’s so much you can do to get the ladies’ attention as an OK-looking chap. Just work on improving yourself, choose the woman who chooses you, and be content with the woman you end up attract attracting. This is how you max out the relationship area of your life.
